For me eating has so many different connotations and meanings. I eat for substance, for pleasure, out of habit, to relieve stress, to bury emotions and to punish myself (this list is not a complete list of my reasons for eating, rather a jumping off point).
I know this. The question is how to change the behavior? How do I change my relationship with food? And do I want to?
I vacillate back and forth on this. I know that I need to make changes. I know that I have to put forth the effort to live healthier, but at the same time do I really want to?
I can remember back to being a kid and I was always able to use my weight through the use of self deprecating humor to make friends by making people laugh (at my expense). As I got older, I’ve been able to use my weight to make people laugh (and to make money off of it). I’ve been this way my whole life. My identity is so wrapped up in my weight. It’s a part of who I am. It’s not the whole of who I am, but it is (pardon the pun) a BIG part of me. It’s the Mmmmm in Me.
Who will I be if I lose the weight? What will happen to me? Will I fade away? Become nothing?
These are all silly questions, I know in my heart the answer is I’ll still be the same person, but in my head I worry that I will be changed (and may be not for the better). My greatest fear is that I won’t be funny. That I’ll be normal. I don’t want to be normal. I don’t want to fade away into the faceless crowd. I want to stand out. I want to be different.
My entire life I have been Fat. I went from being husky to chunky to fat to obese to dangerously obese. A straight line pointed up. How do I change that momentum? How do I even begin to slow down this ship, let alone change course?
Lots of questions today, not to mention a fair amount of metaphors.
As the chinese say, “every journey begins with the first step.” In my case, that step has always been towards the buffet line.